*gets handed a Mario Kart controller at a party*

I don’t know guys, I’ve never done this before.

*straps on monogrammed driving gloves*

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*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”


Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger


[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real


Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?


*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”


“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine


I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.


For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.