@TheHatdog

*gets handed a Mario Kart controller at a party*

I don’t know guys, I’ve never done this before.

*straps on monogrammed driving gloves*

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@SardonicTart

*Queen bee in hive*

“You, go pollinate flowers”

“You, go make some honey”

“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”

@rebrafsim

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

@Brampersandon_

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

@OurMarketingGuy

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

@jonnysun

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

@UncleDuke1969

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

@simoncholland

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.