Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.

~ my pants right now

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

I’m in such a great mood today

Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute

My daily affirmation

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

I wish this was real life…

People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT