Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

this makes me so uncomfortable

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

I wish other people my age weren’t so old.

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!

Her: so

Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.

me: wow that exam was easy

*gets a 53*

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

Told my twins at their basketball game to slay and don’t be beta skibidi and it felt like a dream to embarrass two kids at once.

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh