Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.

Boating season is upon us.

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”

Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!

What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins

A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”

He didn’t even die.

Killing people with kindness is hard.

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?