@shadesof666

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

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@TheBoydP

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

@AimeeHelene1

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

@bourgeoisalien

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

@briangaar

*turns down the lights* Girl this is going to be a magical night *dumps legos on bed* ok first we need to separate these by color

@TheTweetOfGod

If a man strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown yourself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.

@LostFelicia

You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.

@Contwixt

The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.

@longwall26

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

@HomeWithPeanut

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

@joshgondelman

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.