Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
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When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
when you don’t want to be too vague
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine