*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*


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I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.


*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*


I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.


*turns down the lights* Girl this is going to be a magical night *dumps legos on bed* ok first we need to separate these by color


If a man strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown yourself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.


You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.


The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.


People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.


Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]


My mom: [sighs]


Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.