This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
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WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.