Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse

[speed dating]

date: what’s your biggest turn on?

me: wind turbines

date: ah i’m not a big fan

me: next

It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.

*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.