*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
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Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
everyone has that one prude friend
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it