Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?

Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …

when someone rings the doorbell

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.

sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

I know a bad idea when I see one.

Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?

Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

People buying plungers never look happy.

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.