Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

the three branches of government

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

Allen: I’ll never talk

Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.