*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
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They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.