*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
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I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.