*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
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“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Become ungovernable.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.