Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.

I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.

If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right