*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
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I’ll be mad as hell!
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
It’s a gift
accurate
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Bring back the McRib
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
The Weeknd is back
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Something Saturday.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”