Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself

Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself

“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

idk what this dog had been going through but same

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss

*lights cigarette

Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

Just this preview of the story is enough

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.