Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

My brain is a bad influence on me

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.

Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear

“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”

*flirty giggle* “ok…”

“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

*Takes your face in my hands*

*Looks deep into your eyes*

*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe

Just their standard naan disclosure agreement

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed