Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

the saddest jazz hands ever

When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]

*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go

[2 seconds later]

*lets go*

Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss

The happy life.. 😊

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes