*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
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Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
A great tip. #CakeRex
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.