Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

I’m not sorry.

Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

To whom it may concern,

My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.

Many thanks

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

That lamp looks PISSED.

Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.

Have put a film on instead.

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..

No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.

Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?

“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”

Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.