Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.

They will test you…

*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person

Me: ok

[Later]

Her: Hi!

Me: Hi you look uglier online

My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?

I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

Best spoiler warning ever

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.