Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet