*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
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Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.