Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

[spelling bee]

your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’

“can you use it in a sentence?”

yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

Perfection.

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

*has no idea what a book even is*

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage