Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

*tries CBD oil for the first time*

“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”

“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”

“So you’re saying there’s a chance”

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣

i want to work in this restaurant

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you

ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name

CS: sure, it’s janice

JANICE: thank you

: you’re welcome

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.