Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

#NeverForget

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!