Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive

Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane

It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

normal person: 9+7=16

me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16

unfortunately thanks to anesthesia we’ll never know if internal organs can be ticklish

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?