Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”

– Kids

I hate everything

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

me: can i borrow $100

friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it

me: oh i already have money for that

Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.

Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.

[first date]

HER: i’m super close to my dad

ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

rest in peas