Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

Hear me out: WrestleVania

[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?

-first day at work, orientation question

8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]

me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?

8: I don’t care

me: hm ok

Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.

But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.

Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now