Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.

My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?

cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly

me: no i know this is a trap

cat:

me:

cat:

me: fine *goes to pet belly*

cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot

You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

I have obtained a hat

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

ㅤ

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.

Him: You hit me three times!

I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.