*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
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Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do