*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
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I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations
my wife: do u want to hold him
me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious
doctor: put me down
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.