*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
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scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
The first one, obviously
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.