Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.

It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

A bad analogy is like a cucumber

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……k

That’s how a good marriage works people.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”