Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]

Him: *spills drink*

Me: *starts twitching*

I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys