Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!

Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.

“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.

“Because she’s only three,” I replied.

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.

Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

Props to just stopping in the middle of the grocery aisle. Personally never tried it, but it seems big.

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready