*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
courtroom exchange of the day
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.