Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

There’s no “u” in narcissist

My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs