[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
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my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity