*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
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Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.