*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
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me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
my name if I was in the mob
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
You better wish for more oil
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.