Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

This is bullshit!

I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

Not Wordle. Just a cactus.

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I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”

So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”

Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?

3 yo: No, thanks.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Halloween cuteness.. 🎃

🎥 IG: mr.smokey21

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.

And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.