Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

[Back To the Future, 2018]

Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??

Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other

Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter

Note to self: always read the final line

if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time