*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
You Might Also Like
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Florida be like…
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.