*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
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“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.