*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.