*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
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so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
What the dentist sees
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Y’all know who you are.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
No.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life