*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
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POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Eating for two.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
The Friday File.
