*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
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Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore