Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

Her: so tell me a fun fact

Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!

H: I mean about yourself…

M: …I know the plural of octopus

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.

wut hotdog?

[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

I want the same thing as everyone else: to love, to be loved, to smite my enemies and to find an honest car mechanic

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) math

What I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

[First day working in an optometrists]

Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.

Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?

Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall