*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
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Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
me hitting on a model
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs