Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.

me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

wife: tell me her name

*slap*

wife: TELL ME HER NAME

*slap slap*

wife: and where did you get a seal anyway

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent

Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL

Snake: *bites me*

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

How do horror writers compete with current events?

I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.

Bro what is this

Monday