*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
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I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
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scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal