*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
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My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I put the mess in domestic.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
