* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
You Might Also Like
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Godspeed, John Glenn
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.