*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
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I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.