*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
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A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.