Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?

Hell yeah 👍

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still

People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

12. I think about this all the damn time

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.

Ma’am…

(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE