Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there

4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?

me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize

4: no

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

did… did they arrest the mountain lions

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

Can’t stop laughing

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

Him: Shall we have sex?

Her: I want to wait til we’re married

Him: Ugh fine

Priest: Shall I continue?

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this