Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”

me, to the collection agency

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?

ME: uhh…yeah…of course

[later]

ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

rest in peas

not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?

Me: Yep.

D: But how can you be so sure of that?

M: I’ve seen them in museums

D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣

Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.