*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
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*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
This one, by a wide margin
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy