Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed

guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

This could be us… but you playing

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol

Priest: That’s your eulogy?

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me

Me:

Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot