Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

[being stopped by the cops]

Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool

My new best friend: *clicky noises*

Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.