Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

Camping tip: No.

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

Therapist: healing isn’t linear

Me: what if I pay extra?

[job interview]

Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

waiter: are there any allergies at the table?

me (already drunk): BEES

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.