*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
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Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”