*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
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Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”