Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance

I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

me: how much for the boquet of dogs

girl walking dogs: huh

me: *slipping her $5* how about now

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.