Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction

You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times

If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.

My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.

My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

This could be us… but you playing

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”

[Police station]

Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”

Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”

I’m having an out of money experience.

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

If snakes were wide

Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”