[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
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Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
December birthdays be like…
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
go easy on yourself <3
