Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

[abducted aboard a UFO]

Alien: Take us to your leader

Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?

A: We’ll return you, unharmed

M: Not… not even a probe?

A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans

M: *pouting* Even if I say please?

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store