Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

The day after Christmas is wild.

I had 6 sugar cookies & a cheese ball for breakfast

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.

Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.

Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.

The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.

The system crashes on its own.

The human race is saved by shitty programming.

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops

Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.