*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
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Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
We need to put an American base on the sun
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
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Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.