*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
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15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
🤣🤣🤣
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.