Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

me: i’m proposing to my gf

sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man

me: i need a ring lol

sonic: *nervous* haha

me: *pulling out a baseball bat*

I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

A double negative is a big no-no.

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”