Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix

Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:

“spicy wet cheese”

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

me: *ordering an orange juice*

8yo: does it have pulp?

me: I’m not sure

8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way

Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

Windchimes

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust

Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”