Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

ME: this isn’t curing anything

SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds

ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

5 ways to appear taller

[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

Professor X: what’s your super power?

Me: hindsight

Professor X: that’s not going to help us

Me: yes I see that now

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes