me, an intellectual: uncle
[Gets on one knee]
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
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waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Nice guys finish last, cause stamina.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, ‘Parking Fine.’
That was nice…
I want a sex change.
From “none” to “some”.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.