[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
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Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
being a writer on Twitter:
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice