[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
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Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Finally, a door that understands me
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
did it work
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.