Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.

[12 minutes later]

Me: I have eaten my best friend.

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….

I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

I am a gravy boat captain

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.