Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair

JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.

My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.

She’s my Japaniece..

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

Great Canadian literature.

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

[after wife gives birth]

wife: he has your eyes

me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years