Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

[abruptly stops speaking in tongues] Oh the exorcism is for ME?

LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

😂

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

🙂🐾

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?

BF: Haha your hair!

Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”

-How I pick my Halloween costume

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think